when i first started working 6 years ago, i asked myself, if i could see myself working like this, 9 to 5 everyday of my life for the rest of my life. I mourned for the lost of the young and free days, and i grieved worst that my free days werent utilized to living my life to the fullest. The days became a schedule, a bothersome repetition that have me sometimes in tears in my bed late at night. I was looking for something, but as I couldnt really pinpoint wat i was looking for, my search became my frustration. 

At a loss, i did the one thing i was good at. I ran away. I ran away from work, from people and I conned newer people into believing im something else. I have always been good at this.

And so it has been, all this years of my life, running away at the very thought of mundane repetition. 

I dont want to do that anymore. So for the past two years I have stood aloof and detached from everyone around me. I needed to work on me, before i can be of use to anyone else. 

no more conning. no more lies. this is what i am.

i have been working my brains of at work, i figured that it is up to me to break the repetition. I can choose to skive and run or I can choose to work harder, to get more challenging tasks. When a task gets overwhelming, i can choose if it will break me or make me. i learnt that with negative thinking things will always seem harder then wot it really is. I spent more time with myself, gave some thought to my health, try to lose weight, (still trying).i am trying to keep the people who care close and treasure them.

Now im off to get married in 3 months. and there will be a change. but change will eventually lead to repetition again. 

I will treasure these repetitions and not look back.

ok. so im fat.

i admit it. Cant help it. Me and my fats go a looong way together. We have been best friends since the day i entered this world, it has been my closest companions during those long fatty afternoons in schools when no guy wanted to look at me.

But, even lovers must part.
I am saying goodbye to my fats today. Like all men in love, my Fats is in a total stage of denial. He thinks ill just get over it, and go back to loving him the way i usually do when i sulk about him and his many blubber girlfriends.

But as i look down at my waistline, I know this is the last straw.

I have joined the exclusive hamster running on threadmills, following a strict regime of no rice, eating fat burning supplements, and I WILL NOT LOOK LIKE A BLOATED FISH at my wedding.

So help me.

 

 

this has been a year of good safety pin habits.

Do you realise how very useful a friggin safety pin is? Just be careful cos it might do the poky and poke your thumb, like it did mine today.

So today i pay my few seconds tribute to the safety pin, who, in this one month, has kept my dropping gorgeous pants together, who has allowed me to walk on a bit longer in those shoes that i should have thrown out of the window a GAZZILION year ago.

thank you safety pins. without you i would have been pantless and shoeless yesterday. *bows to thesafety pins*

Work has been wonderful. I got a chance to work with some amazing young blood in temasek poly. These guys were amazing. 10 hours of crash course in digital art and design and they already have fantastic works out. It was a pleasure to have met all of them. I do hope they will say hi when they stumble upon me outside :)

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Something has happened on the 30th Of December 2007. For some strange obscure reason, things have taken a turn for the crazy shits.

A few desires were cultivated and strange requests started pouring out. There was also the demand adrian made in the car, a demand that he insisted I accept, and I did.

 
We were both overwhelmed for a whole 10 mins after that incident. And it took me a month to finally beleive that it is actually gonna happen.

Ill be getting married on the 28th of December 2008.

I still cant believe that i typed that out. And i still cant believe that it is actually happening. I think that im very much like the runaway bride, ill prolly run at the first sign of trouble, even if im already in my wedding gown.

I really really hope this works! What a way to start the year!

 

 

 

 

"ain, aku da kahwin!"

my good friend got married this weekend. she looked the perfect doll, exquisitely crafted, and she was beaming to the higher ends of earth.
I'm so happy for her.

then i met Mat Noor and sat next to him and his fiance, and they happily announced that they will be tying the knot in November.

Then i met another couple of good friends of mine, and u guessed it, they are gonna get married in June, next year.

At the back of my mind, i kept thinking about wat an old crone i wil be when i finally tie the knot,how i wont look so beautiful like the rest, cos, well, im bound to get bigger and fatter and more wrinkly and stuff. Then i wondered about the amazing power of makeup and wonder if they can do miracles by me when the time finally comes.

I wondered if they have beautiful wedding gowns for fat, old mouldy crony women.

But i have transgressed from the point of my blog from the very start.

In my office room i have two pictures. These pictures are from a long long time back ago.
Sweet memories. at 19 years old, all doors opens. At 19 years old, everyone is beautiful, and I have never realised, as i did now how some people stay, forever. It never hit me, how an innocent hug to someone close will become the anchor of my love and life. It never hit any of us.

It only takes a look at the photographs to realise how blessed I am. How, no matter how crony I am, I am still loved and I was always loved.  That those people in this pictures have no idea how much of an impact they made on my life doesnt matter. Wat matters is, I know.

I have always been a happy girl, a happy woman. Maybe when i finally get married, Ill be one hell of a gorgeous crone.

Wish me luck.

_--_

 

I love the people I work with. I love the smiles on tired faces at the end of the day, I love the look on their faces when they are frustrated and at the same time trying to tell you everything is ok.

I LOVE the people that i work with.

Jez, for her always being there, for being the first one that ever was there.
Ramesh for his quiet strength- telling me nothing is impossible and sacrifice for something you love is everything-for taking care of me like a brother does.
Jinder for his solid support and leadership, and of course his silly smiles that reminds me of gorgeous Neil.
Ashikin, for being happy no matter what- for being a constant sister
Siti, for reminding me what it feels like to be young again
Indura, for a most sincere heartfelt "Hello" that means alot in the office
Datuk Sufian, for his crack jokes and ideas.
Eidza, for showing me the fun never ends.
Annabelle, for being a blessing the moment i call her friend.

You guys are precious to me, so close to my heart.
While i hear people brag about how wonderful their jobs are, how much money they are making, how elite they become, Im still the richest person I know.

Because I have all of you.

Here is to another six months of hard work, six months of tears, six months of laughter.
Six more months with the people I love.

Was out shopping for my krabi trip this evening, and i stumbled upon this weirdest shop.

was a small booth of something, and the sign on it says, new pets!
so i went over and peeked, but i couldnt see any pets at all, all i saw was pretty painted sea shells on display.

took me a moment to realise those shells have hermit crabs in them. it like, so blew me away!
i found out much later that those crabbies are called the ha ha crabs (wtf?) and u can actually buy them.

of couse i bought them.
take a lookie. cutenessss. my house is TOTALLY turning into a zoo.

(This post is totally stolen from the ever interesting UNCLE JAZZ)

For thousands of years, men have tried to understand the rules when dealing with women. Finally, this merit / demerit guide will help you to understand just how it works.

Remember, in the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes, and you get points.

Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the points system:


SIMPLE DUTIES
You make the bed.............................................. +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows.... 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets................... -1
You leave the toilet seat up.................................. -5
You replace the toilet paper roll when it is empty............ 0
When the toilet paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex... -1
When the Kleenex runs out you use the next bathroom........... -2
You go out to buy her tampons ................................ +5
when its raining cats and dogs................................................... +8
but return with coke.......................................... -5
and no tampons................................................ -25
You check out a suspicious noise at night..................... 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is nothing............ 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something.......... +5
You pummel it with a baseball bat................................ +10
It's her cat................................................. -40


AT THE PARTY

You stay by her side the entire party........................ 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a drinking buddy .................... -2
Named Wendy................................................ -4
Wendy is your naughty doctor......................................... -10
With breast implants......................................... -18


HER BIRTHDAY

You remember her birthday.................................... 0
You buy a card and flowers................................... 0
You take her out to dinner................................... 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar.......... +1
Okay, it is a sports bar...................................... -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night................................ -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team...................... -10


A NIGHT OUT WITH THE BOYS

Go with a pal....................................... 0
The pal is happily married.......................... +1
The pal is single................ ................... -7
He drives a Ferrari................................. -10
With a personalised license plate (EV 1 L)........ -15


A NIGHT OUT WITH HER

You take her to a movie................................... +2
You take her to a movie she likes......................... +4
You take her to a movie you hate.......................... +6
You take her to a movie you like.......................... -2
It's called Death Cop III................................. -3
Which features Cyborgs that eat humans.................... -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans..... -15


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable pot belly............................... -15
You develop a noticeable pot belly & exercise to get rid of it... +10
You develop a noticeable pot belly and resort to loose jeans and
baggy Hawaiian shirts................................. -30
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too.".............. -800


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Does this dress make me look fat?" You hesitate in responding...................... -10
You reply, "Where?"............................. -35
You reply, "No, I think it's your bottom ".......... -100
Any other response.............................. -20


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem:
You listen, displaying a concerned expression....................0
You listen, for over 30 minutes.................................. +5
You relate to her problem and share a similar experience...... +50
Your mind wanders to sports and you suddenly hear her saying
well, what do you think I should do?".......................... -100
You have fallen asleep.......................................... -200

ITS THAT TIME OF THE MONTH.......

You talk........................................... -100
You don't talk................................... -150
You spend time with her.......................... -200
You don't spend time with her.................... -500
You play solotaire on your mobile and are seen to be enjoying yourself........GAME OVER - YOU LOSE

Im sick.

finally i will say it. I am sick, i have been sick as a puppy the past few days, and im working on some kinda reserve battery.

today i almost collasped, for a while there i couldnt feel my legs, and im in the middle of the road, with a heavy laptop and my phone on my ear dialling 65522222. luckily panicked snapped me out of it and i managed to rush off the road after that.

checked my temperature, 39. no wonder my face feels like a furnace. and wot is wrong with me? i have no idea. fever or flu? dunno.

im sitting in front of a blazing airconditioning now and its doing nothing for my furnace of a face. i also realised i havent eaten anything the whole of today, and i dont feel like eating.

i cant go to work tomorrow, and i hope my collegues forgive me for the amount of work they had to laden with for tomorrow, since im not around. please dont hammer me, i was really trying to get better.

it feels like im doing everything all wrong. i work my butt off but somehow i feel its not enough. and i look at people and expect them to start frowning at me or something. i wish im super meshy.

suddenly im feeling really incompetent.

Its one am and im staring at this screen, with so many things to write about and nowhere to start.

I refuse to go on and on and on about how intensive and stressful work has been, cos, honestly speaking, like i told my frends, its amazing how far a person can go with people who are willing to guide you, and tell you the honest things on wot to expect.

Thank goodness now, i have such friends. And i really appreciate their talks and advices. And somehow when I hit a rough spot, I am somehow prepared mentally for it and it isnt as hard as I thought it would be.

Strangely enough, i feel protected, cared for.

And besides the fever that got passed around, work has been manageable.

I thank these people from the bottom of my heart, for without you guys, i would be lost right and helpless right now.

The stranger thing was how much detached I have become.
-Its tough. deal with it. Its no big deal.
ANd you know wot? its really no big deal in the end.

I saw something last week, I think it was a sign to me, that I really shouldnt take things for granted.
We were in a lift in a school, and the lift door opened on the second floor and this little girl came in, only that she wasnt walking on her own two feet, she was clinging on to this metallic stand to push her way through. Her feet cant really function, they seemed disjointed at wrong angles. She had a friend whose job is to take away the metallic stands whenever she wants to get out of the lift, and do to that she had to lean her weight on the lift door. She looked up to us and smiled, and struggled her way out of the lift, balancing on precarious weight, from the door to her metallic bindings. One heavy step after another. Then, as other children were walking, running, laughing their way to classes, there she was, and she was making one slow, step at a moment. Each step, was one slow step, that took her hand the effort to pull her legs along, using that metallic stand. Children stopped running, all of them were in classes, and there she was, still far off, still walking, on her own. One slow step at a moment. and another. and another.
and another.

I have been trying to erase the memory of that little girl out of my mind, and as always, i will always remember it again, as clear as i was there, helpless, feeling useless because i couldnt do anything to help.

But again, this is not about me. This is about the little girl. Whoever she was, she was a godsend, an angel to me. For on the most difficult week of my life, she turned up in my life, as God's reminder that, no, I dont have it hard. How can i be, when the SMILE of that girl looking up at me is a constant reminder?

Thinking back at her, I realised that I do not have any right or reason to whine or complain about life.

How can I, when even she in her state can look up at a complete stranger and find something to smile about?

"You are beautiful, to me."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

On this first day of the year,
i wish upon myself

Courage
as i walk into the unknown

Spirit
to fail and try again

Confidence
to realise my potential

Strength
to NEVER give up

Perception
to stay focused on my goals

Happiness
for everyone around me

and

Love
always always Love.

for my parents
for my loved ones
for my friends

for without it,
i am nothing.

Happy New Years to everyone!

been working my butt off.

yeayea hello new year, merry christmas, happy winterveil to WOWers, EID MUBARAK!

pfft.

so bloody tired u know?
and my cousin is getting enggaged on the 1st. Enggaged.ON THE FIRST. the day where everyone sleeps and get some rest finally. The day when nobody plans to do anything maybe just get stinking dirty and feel good about it. The ONE DAY BEFORE WORK for the whole new year again.

you know. you gotta be joking, you know?

but he is my cousin and for that i love him, so im gonna look nice and attempt to dress up and put on the smiles and do wotever that it takes a cousin to do for his enggagement. Dont worry cuz, it will be a bang!

lets talk about internet connection.

Im a moron. people are suffering in taiwan, and here i am, lamenting day in and day out about my pathetic connection. trust me, it brings tears to my eyes that i havent played WOW for like 4 days. I havent logged into my alternate reality where im this bravado undead with healing powers. I feel.. deprived.

TOO BAD TAIWAN, BUT I WANT MY CONNECTION BAAAACCCK!

oh, and there will be a third tsunami. trust me on that. i just dunno where.

and for those who dont beleive me, oh well. i hate to say i told u so.

gooodday!

its december. again.

decembers always sets me off an edge. its like falling over the precipice of a cliff again. its not knowing the unknown again.

so many times you tell yourself, dont worry, the next year wont be anything i havent seen this year.

oh but how wrong that presumption is.

i know a few girls like me, who went through a tough 2 or 3 years in a go. to these ladies who knows who they are, chin up girlfriends. we have survived so far and we are none worse for the wear. we just get tougher and stronger. if need be, we will get harder.

we will not crack under pressure.

2006 has been a learning year for me. sure, im still as lost as can be, im still as stubborn as a mule, i still have prejudices and i still mistakes, but this year has been an upheave towards becoming stronger. I guess the fact that i always have everything i always wanted never help either when i cant get the things that i want this year.

oh, there have been tears. a great plenty of tears.

but the tears made it so much easier to feel the smiles and laughter when they come.

I am still surging forward, and woe to the world if they are not prepared for me. Im still loving life, loving love, loving being.

im just an ant in the great pattern of life. there are so many things in this world which needed tears over, which needed worries over.
But i intend to be one of the ants that survive the tramplings and the hard work and i will be one of those million ants who try to make the whole system function.

thank you to everyone who stuck their guts in to listen to me, when i needed you. there are so few people whom i dare go to, trust was never one of my stronger elements.

thank you for my sister who still loves me, despite despite despite.

my brother, who is my pillar of happiness and source of joy.

ramesh, hafsa for feeling my tears. rani for always being my baby. nicky for still being the most wonderful 15 year old around.

thank you to the man i love, for loving me.

all of you have made 2006 a much wonderful year.

Mr R: Can you believe it? I went to that new IKEA four days
after the grand opening, and you know what, that
place is still packed with so many people. I just
don’t believe Singaporeans sometimes, why would a
furniture mall be a cool hang out?


Me: well, its cheap. It’s the only place you can get a
Lampshade for $5.90.

Mr R: And what do you need to buy a lamp for?

Me: I just need it. (Shrugs)

Mr R shakes his head and looks resigned. He took out his super cool expensive HP handphone, connected his uber high tech expensive scary looking Bluetooth connection and hooked it up to his ears. He frowned and twinkled his new expensive eyes that underwent eye treatment, giving him the luxurious freedom that glasses never gave a decent person ever. He turned and gave me a look of disappointment.

Mr R: $5.90 only huh? (sigh) That’s the problem of
children nowadays, they never understand the value of
money.

Me: …

this is my undead priest. world of warcraft ROCKS.

im desperate.
does anyone know how i get into msn messenger without downloading any applications????

help!
not much fun talking to myself.

Parfois, rien ne peut traiter un coeur blessant. Rien ne peut
compléter la perte désespérée tandis que vous voyez une famille
marcher avec des enfants, et vous espérez que vous aurez votre propre
à tenir bientôt.

Vous feignez pour ne pas vous inquiéter avant des
personnes et vous dites qui n'est pas lui ce que vous voulez, mais il
est. Il blesse. Combien d'heure avez-vous rêvée de beaux rêves
merveilleux de votre propre endroit, votre propre vie ?

Chaque nuit..

Je devine qu'il n'y a aucun destin de combat d'utilisation. Ce qui se
produira soyez. Peut-être j'obtiendrai cette famille heureuse que
j'ai rêvée de, peut-être je pas . Peut-être je mourrai un jour
beaucoup d'années dès maintenant en tant que vieille vieille
grand-mère, avec ses beaucoup de petits-enfants autour de son lit.

Ou peut-être je seul mourrai, mais réussi. Celui qui se produise, la
chose la plus importante est pour que je soit heureux. Il est possible
d'être heureux dans n'importe quelle situation.

Je dois me rappeler cela pour me maintenir fort.

isnt he the most gorgeously amazing thing created since baked bread?

swoooons.

more pictures after i recover from fainting.

He’s been here.
You heard it whispered,
By your mother, and hers and hers.

He’s been here.

You whispered these words yourself today.
You realized the magnitude of that sentence.
You feel the loss of all womankind
You see the imagery of their pain,
Flashed before your eyes
Like an oil panting
Of the deepest massacre
Still wet, like real stains of blood
Grosteque figurines
And death, death hovering at every door
At every corner
At every crook and corner
Of your deepest fear
There. They wedged themselves
Comfortably
Nestling in your flesh
Nurtured by your blood.
They fester
And you dissapear
All the you that you ever held in regard
Disappears
Replaced by a husk with a mind
That was once yours
And sometimes when you find your way back
You wonder.
Why.
What.
When you find your way back
Only to be repelled by the husk
Of a smiling woman
Who looked like you
Who laughed like you
Without your soul,
Cos you soul it away,
When you nurtured
The devil in your bosom.

things are better.
i am ok.
im just really tired.

Happy Eid to everyone celebrating it, and have a fantastic Diwali for those that celebrate it.

Now if only the darn haze clears up so we can feel more festy.

to nick: i really really really really miss u.

i am currently trying to breathe without smelling the sick scent of this stupid forest fire.

http://www.lightamillioncandles.com/

we dont need your money. we need your support.
Help stop online child abuse now.